I read a book "why mars and venus collide".i would like to quote some of the points:
1.
"most men are not equipped to be the dosmetic/communicative/ romantic
partners women fantasize about. Although some men attempt to fulfil that
fantasy, in the end both partners become frustrated and disappointed.
He may try for years, but eventually he runs out of steam. Some men try
during the dating stage and then give up, because they can't continue to
meet their partner's expectations. When this is the case, a man may
suddenly lose interest and not even know why. He is just not that
interested in her, not because she is not right for him, but because he
is trying to meet unrealistic expectations."
2. "most
women are not not equipped to be the dosmetic/communicative/romantic
partners men want. It is unrealistic for a man to expect a woman always
to be in good mood, never to be needy, and to be romantically available
at all times. Many women try to fulfil this fantasy but feel cheated and
betrayed when their partner do not return their love"
So both shall understand and communicate to each other more.
3. "adjusting, adapting, and correcting our expectations can free us from feeling victimized or powerless to get what we need"
4. "it
is always a mistake to conclude we are too different to make a
relationship work. the truth is, stress can drive a wedge between us.
By learning how to support ourselves and our partners at times of
greater stress, we can learn how to lower stress levels. When stress is
removed from the formula, our differences are never a problem. When
stress is reduced, our differences are a major source of fulfillment,"
5. "the problem is never just our partner, but our own inability to cope with stress.
When we learn how we can deal with stress more effectively and help our
partners cope, the grip of our unrealistic demands is easily released.
We are then able to enjoy the feelings of acceptance, trust and
appreciation."
6. "when a man becomes more like a woman in a relationship, he
will inevitably become overwhelmed, exhausted, and stresed. However, men
need to be sensitive to the needs of women"
7. "a woman
can learn ways to lower her partner's stress by helping him feel
successful in helping her. Though a man does appreciate domestic
support, positive communication and romance, what is most important to
him is to feel he is providing his partner with some measure of
fulfilment. Instead of thinking of direct ways to support him, she can actually could do less,
and simply appreciate what he does for her. This works well, because
women are already doing way too much. Wouldn't it be great if a woman
could do less and a man would feel more supported? it is true."
8. "When a man takes action to support a woman's needs, she feels supported".
9. "Even when a woman takes
time for herself, she can help a man feel like a success in a
relationship. When she is happy he will always take credit and feel
better. Without this insight, a woman would never think that taking time
for herself could actually help her partner. When men take time for
themselves, women often feel neglected. For this reason a woman
might find it hard to believe that taking time for herself actually
supports him in giving more to her. Understanding our differences
provides a completely new direction for men and women that not only
brings out the best in our partners but makes relationships so much
easier"
10. " When she thinks she needs a more sensitive man, what she really needs is to express her more vulnerable self. What she really needs is to be heard"
11. "when a man needs time
alone or doesn't want to talk about his day, it doesn't mean that he
cares less for his partner. When a woman wants to talk bout her day, it
doesnt mean she is excessively need or high maintenance"
12. "When a man in danger, he needed to stay quiet much of the
time. to this day, faced with stress, a man will often become quiet. A a
result, men go to their cave to recover from stress, while women have
adapted by learning to talk bout their stresses. By letting others know
about her problems, she would make it easier to get their support.
unless she talked, others simply would not know what she needed"
13. " a woman's brain has a larger corpus callosum, the bundle of
nerves that connects the right and left hemispeheres of the brain...In
practical terms, this means men do not connect feelings and thoughts as
readily as women do. In a very real sense, women have superhighways connecting their feelings to speech, while men have back roads with plenty of stop signs.
some researchers believe that the integration of the two lobes maybe
the source of "women's intuition"- in other words, whole brain
precessing.
14. When she is listening, she is also thinking, remembering, feeling and planning all at the same time.
15. " a man's brain is highly specialized, using a specific part
of a single hemisphere to accomplish a task, A woman's brain is more
diffuse, using both hemispheres for many tasks. This neurological
difference allows men to focus and to block out distractions for long
periods of time. On the other hand, women
tend to see things in a broader context, from a larger vantage point.
Men tend to do one thing at a time in their brains and in life. When a
man is under stress, he can easily forget his partner and her needs. A woman can easily misinterpret his forgetful behavior as uncaring"
16. " A man can more easily disengage from his serious, responsible left brain and allow it to rest and regenerate. When
a man is stressed, he can simply change his focus to a hobby or
watching tv and he begins to relax. He shifts from using his left brain,
which is logical, practical, and reality-based, to his right brain,
which is feeling, risk-taking, and fantasy based. By making this shift, he automatically disconnects from the stress of his responsibilities. A woman does not have this luxury..A woman's brain is busy connecting everything. The more she cares about something, the more she connects it to other things going on in her brain"
17. "women's brain are wired to feel and recall emotions more intensely than the brains of men.
The process of experiencing emotion and coding that experience into
memory is more tightly integrated in a woman's brain and her neural
responses are more tightly integrated. though scientists have not yet
been able to identify the neural basis for the difference, studies have
found that women tend to have more vivid and stronger memories of
emotional events than men. Compared to men, women can recall more
memories more quickly. Their memories are richer and more intense. When under stress, a woman's mind can become flooded with these memories."
18. "..woman can easily adjust her expectations. She is not lowering her expectations, she is simply adjusting them to what is realistic"
19. "A man will ask for help, but only after he feels he has done everything he can on his own"
20. "on venus, every gift of love scores equal to every other gift of love, no matter how big or small"
21. "To score more points, rather than bring a dozen roses and get two points, a man can bring one rose twelve times and make twenty-four points" :))))
22. "four hugs a day is an easy way to score lots of points with a woman"
23. " Just by talking about all the things she has to do, she begins to release the inner compulsion that commands her to do more and not take time for herself."
24. " men's need for space to be alone, and women's need for more time to be together. When man's need to be alone, i labeled it as "cave time". A man needs his cave time to replenish his testosterone levels, which are low at the end of the day. just as women, need more time to talk share, and cooperate with a man, a man needs more time to recover from his stresses by having plenty of space to do things on his own, or at least to be in control of what he does. Men need thirty times more testosterone to cope effectively with stress.while taking a break, women can also use alone time to take a breath, to nurture herself. But this is not easy to do. For some women, just the thought of taking time can be overwhelming. They imagine what would happen around them...Just as women recovering from stress have difficulty taking time for themselves, men under stress have difficulty being there for others"
25. "to release some stress, a man tends either to solve the problem or to dismiss it in some way. A woman looks for a warmer, more supportive response.
26. "men shopping with their partners may feel exhausted as if they are wandering in the desert. Unless he comes across a starbucks or a victoria's secret soon, he may die on the spot (me: LOL) Men do shop on therir own, and enjoy it. Men can obsess about cars, electronics, and gadgets. A man needs to have a clear destination or goal. He wants to get in and out as quickly as possible. He is a man on a mission"
27. "when women don't get a chance to talk throughout the day, they become stressed (LOL, but true :p) When a woman returns home, she needs to share her feelings with her partner.
28. "remember, a man's caapacity for empathy is not nearly as developed as it is in woman. The emotional part of the brain is twice as big as it is in a woman. The emotional part of the brain is twice as big in a woman...His testosterone-oriented nature seeks to solve problems right awy, When he understands that listening can solve her biggest problem, he can easily do it...If we don use it, we lose it As a man practices Venus talk with his partner, he will gradually grow in his ability to feel empathy and compassion"
In the beginning of every relationship, it is always sweet and happy because the differences between man and woman are not revealed yet. When friction happens, or reaching a plateau stage, this means that differences btwn man and woman have surfaced and both of you have not fully understood the basic difference btwn you both. Wish this book can help you to understand the difference btwn man and woman, so that you will know the problem that you find in ur partner is no longer a big problem, it s normal for him/her to have that problem. Then we learn to understand, to communicate and cope the stress.Less stress, less friction~Hope you guys will enjoy reading this.
